SEW WHAT? A STITCH IN TIME HURTS LIKE HELL In England, Iranian Kurdish poet Abas Amini went on a hunger strike over a week ago, in order to protest against the possibility that he might be deported back to Iran, where his communist dissident activism has caused him to be brutally tortured in the past. Unfortunately, starving himself wasn't getting Amini the kind of publicity he maybe felt he deserved, so he decided to up the ante by sewing his eyes and mouth shut, in a symbolic gesture that represents… um… hemlines, or buttons or something. He has also threatened to set himself on fire if anybody tries to force him to eat. Touchy guy! One problem with Amini's tactic here - among a few dozen I can think of off the top of my head - is the fact that he basically undercuts his own position. He's essentially torturing himself to protest the fact that if England sends him back to Iran, he'll be tortured! That's kind of like burning down the barn door after counting all your chickens before the cows have… well, you know what I mean. Hold on… I just thought of something. If Amini had gone all the way and sewed his ears shut, he could have called himself the Three-in-One-Monkey-Man, and taken his act on the road! I can already see the poster: "He sees no evil, hears no evil, and speaks no evil… because he sewed his fucking face shut!" I dunno about you guys, but yer old pal Jerky would pay a quarter to stare at that for a minute or two. Get a small trailer and some deformed fetuses in a jar, and you've got yourself the makings of a dignity-free, subsistence-level enterprise. *** **** *** SHIP OF STATE: SHIP OF FOOLS Well, at least now we know why former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neil was fired last year. Apparently, he made the mistake of commissioning a study on the likely effects of Preznit Dubya's proposed tax cuts, thereby discovering that the results would be nothing short of catastrophic for the nation's fiscal health. The report forecasts an incredible 44 TRILLION dollar deficit in the short term, and massive cuts to popular federal programs which are taken for granted by most citizens. The recently-leaked report, which has sent shock-waves through the Washington establishment but has oddly made barely a ripple in the mainstream media, had essentially been buried by the White House. As usual, it took a foreign newspaper - England's Financial Times - to break the story. After studying the report, along with Dubya's recently-passed tax cut bill, the paper's stodgy, conservative editorial board's chilling summary of the situation stands as a sobering reminder of the extremism of the current administration: "The lunatics are now in charge of the asylum." For those of you scratching your heads, asking why in Hell the Preznit would ever want to essentially bankrupt the nation, read this excellent and essential editorial by economist Paul Krugman, which lays it all out in layman's terms. The New York Times is a free subscriber-based site, so when the login prompt pops up, simply use yer old pal Jerky's account. My user name is: yeroldpaljerky, and my password is: Jerky. *** **** *** SHORT SHORTS Oh, NOICE! Friends and family of PFC Jessica Lynch - who remains in seclusion, under 24-hour guard for some reason - have been instructed to keep their friggin' mouths shut about the rescued soldier's situation, if they know what's good for'em. You know, in 1980, after being held hostage for nearly a year and a half in Iran, the freed hostages stepped off a jumbo jet and up to a bank of microphones to talk to the press. Jessica Lynch has been held incommunicado for nearly a month now. What the fuck is going on, here? What in kind of sick, twisted mind-games are they subjecting that poor girl to, and for what reason? And perhaps most importantly, why isn't anybody in the American mainstream media raising a stink about this ridiculous bullshit?! "Whoa, dude!" Keanu Reeves apparently takes the ethos of the Bill and Ted movies very seriously, indeed. Hello Magazine is reporting that the Hawaiian/Canadian/Lebanese movie star is being "most excellent" to The Matrix II and III's costume, makeup and special effects staff, who worked so hard to help make the megabux-generating eye-candy geekfests so entertaining, and so successful. Generous Keanu has decided to spread the wealth by giving these unsung cinematic heroes a hundred million fucking dollars of his reported hundred-and-forty million-dollar haul from the ultra-lucrative gig (projected earnings based on his 15% tail-end deal). In all, 29 lucky geeks and gear-heads will be getting over three million dollars each. "Money is the last thing I think about," Keanu recently informed the press. "I could live on what I have already made for the next few centuries." You known, Keanu, this kind turn of yours almost makes up for you fucking up Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula movie! Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive the American public about Iraq's alleged "Weapons of Mass Destruction."

ON THESE DAYS! May 31 On this day in the year 1969, while in the midst of an extended "bed-in" at a Toronto hotel, John Lennon and Yoko Ono record their famous hippy anthem Give Peace a Chance. Later that week, after the living legends end their demonstration and check out, the cleaning staff declare that John and Yoko should give probably soap a chance. "These sheets stink!" shrieked one disgusted housekeeper. On this day in 1889, it was the night of the Johnstown Flood. 2,209 people lose their lives in the devastation. Many years later, most folks can't tell the difference between Night of the Johnstown Flood and House of the Rising Sun, melodically-speaking, even though the two songs sound nothing alike.

THEY SAID IT! "The 22nd Amendment should probably be modified to say two consecutive terms instead of two terms for a lifetime. There may come a time when we elect a president at age 45 or 50, and then 20 years later the country comes up against the same kind of problems the president faced before. People would like to bring that man or woman back but they would have no way to do so." - President Bill Clinton argues for the repeal of the two-term limit bitter, spiteful Republicans imposed on the Presidency after Democrat - and best President of the century - FDR won four consecutive terms, over two generations ago. *** *** *** "Miss with all due respect, I have my own problems. I have no time to accommodate everyone else's. My sister is suffering HIV right now. Is anyone worried about my problems? Some people can be so damn selfish. Next time you email me with any requests, you will be reported. Have a great day! m.c." - Clinically insane pop diva Mariah Carey recently cancelled a concert at Saint Paul's Xcel Energy Center, prompting the grandmother of a blind, 10-year-old fan to write the singer's official website with a politely worded request To see if there might be any way her grand-daughter could ever meet Mariah in person. Threats, self-pity and sarcasm is what she got in reply. Too bad grandma had to learn the hard way.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Gary O... Two men can't decide where to go on their Saturday night out. One says "Why don't we go to the new club down by the docks?" "What's it like?" says the other one. "Well there is no cover charge at the door, when you get to the bar, the barman gives you a free drink, you then you go up stairs and have sex for free. You come down and get another free drink and back up stairs for more free sex. This happens five times, and when you are leaving the barman slips £100 into your pocket on the way out the door." he tells him. "And have you been to this new club?" the other one asks. "NO. but my sister goes all the time." he replies. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Fudje for sending in today's second joke. There was a young boy who just turned 18. He was the ugliest kid in his grade, and had never been laid. So his birthday, his dad said, "Kid, I know you are to ugly to have had sex, so tonite, I'm going to get you a hooker. But I don't have any cash, so here is a duck." The excited boy takes his duck, and goes to find a hooker. He finally finds a hooker who will accept the duck for sex, so they get it on. Surprisingly, the kid turns out to be a real horn dog, and gives this hooker the best sex of her life, so she gives the duck back, so she can get more of his sweet lovin'. As the very contented kid walks back to his car, the duck jumps out of his arms, runs acrost the street, gets hit by a car, and dies. The cars owner paid the kid 2 bucks to make up for the damage. When the kid gets home, the dad asks, "So son how was it?" The son replied, "A fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Ike Johnson should be flogged and flayed for sending in this shitty joke. A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him......faster...faster...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him, however, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. As it comes slowly towards him, the man, screaming, reaches for something, anything...all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin... and... of course the coffin stops!

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky; How do you actually feel abt muslims and their religion? Signed: Lorenzo Lameass Dear Lorenzo; I feel about Muslims and their religion the exact same way I feel about all religious people and the destructive myths to which they cling. *** **** *** My Man, Jerky, For years I worked out at a gym located in an apartment building that also has a swimming pool. Virtually every day Chief Justice Bill Rehnquist used the pool. I would normally see him on Saturday mornings. He only used the backstroke in his daily dipping primarily because of chronic back distress. Strange looking swimming stroke. He looked like he was drowning, backwards. Arms flailing like Richard Pryor in a free base inferno. Regarding his favorite song, he used to constantly whistle "Blues In The Night." Of course this was done in the locker room not in the pool. Altho with the flailing of arms and swirling of water you really couldn't tell. Up front and personal Chief Justice Bill is friendly and personable. At least he was to me. As an African-American I feel, perhaps immodestly so, I prepared him for Justice Uncle Thomas, Clarence, Scalia's man-servant. By the way, the gym is in Southwest Washington, D.C., immediately across the parking lot from the Arena Stage Theater. Signed: Roy R., Wash, D.C. Dear Roy; Thanks for the insider info! However, I feel I have to point out that it has been yer old pal Jerky's experience that even the most vile, unmitigated asshole can seem like a nice, reasonable person on an up front and personal basis. *** **** *** dear jerky i have a serious problem (i wish i was joking) but my recent stupid act of getting my gf preggo was all fine and dandy and we found out it was a boy (that got me excited) but my numbnuts fuck brain for a girlfriend wants to name it george w (again i wish i was kidding) will you tell me a good way to change her mind or an easy way for me to off my self Signed: captin hoppy If she wants to name the kid George W, she must be a redneck. Redneck women don't mind getting the Hell beat out of them by their man every once in a while. In fact, they expect and, to a certain degree, appreciate it. So go ahead and beat that idea right out of her head. Use a brick if necessary. If you're too much of a coward to incur the risks that inevitably go hand in hand with such a strategy, then hose up your car exhaust, crank up the Radiohead, and take a long, cold nap.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: MORE COMPANY CAR LORE Care of: Biggie Smalls Jenkins Please add this to your company car soapbox. [See Friday's Dirt. - Jerky] I am a former employee of the U.S. Guvvamunt and I had a company car for just over a year. It was a piece of shit 1994 Plymouth Acclaim with someone else's gnawed-off fingernails in the ashtray when I got it, but I grew to love it over the year like it was my trusted horse -- that is, until I started to hate my boss and the job. I guess I began to neglect the car's needs, and one day, as I went over a speed bump like a bat out of hell, the accelerator got stuck in the "bat out of hell" position, and I had to start turning the damned car OFF if I wanted to stop anywhere, such as a stop light or in rush-hour traffic. Then, when the car in front of me had moved ahead sufficiently, I had to turn it back on and then put my foot on the brake - all the way to the floor - just to keep from hitting people. When I quit, I returned the dumper car to the parking lot and left it the way it was. I never told anyone that the car was violently dangerous, because it gave me such joy to think that the next pitiful sap underling would have to drive it and possibly kill others in their wake. I need help. - Biggie Smalls Jenkins [I'll say! - Smally Biggs LeBoeuf]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com