GOVERNMENT LIES AND THE END OF SUBURBIA DISTRACTIONS 'R' US! In reference to yesterday's 9/11 Pentagon attack image, with Hervé "Tattoo" Villechaize pointing to the white blur protruding ever so slightly towards the center from the right frame, what I meant to imply was that the Pentagon's release of the "full videos" resolves nothing. So, to those of you who think that I think that this means the mystery of what happened at the Pentagon on 9/11 really has been resolved to any degree of satisfaction... that was not my intent. Alternately, to those of you writing in to congratulate me for not buying into the "NWO Psy-Ops bullshit when it was obvious that a holograph-cloaked cruise missile hit the Pentagon"... I don't believe that, either. However, I note with some interest that the first two words in the FOX News story about The Powers That Be's release of the footage, which allegedly showed Flight 77 slamming into the Pentagon, were these: "Conspiracy theorists..." What does that tell you about the timing and rationale for this five-years-after-the-fact release? I know what it tells me about it. Create your own Dan Brown novel, automatically generated by Toby Inkster's Create Your Own Dan Brown Novel! Just keep hitting your browser's "Reload" button over and over again to create many lazy summers' worth of mock-paranoid pop-lit, each one as original and well thought out as a real Dan Brown best-seller. Holy Handmaid's Tale, Batman! New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves -- and to be treated by the health care system -- as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon! Meanwhile, the call is ringing out across the land -- or, at least at Stormfront.org and on FOX News prime-time -- that what America desperately needs now is MORE WHITE BABIES! Al Gore might be running for President in 2008. Yer old pal Jerky doesn't know how he feels about that. On the one hand, I would hate to see such a genuinely good person made to wade through the slaughterhouse sewer of electoral politics again. I mean, just watch Spike Jonez' legendary "Unseen Al Gore Campaign Video", parts ONE and TWO and tell me, do you really want to see this Eagle Scout step into the ring with the Right-Wing Murder Machine again? On the other hand, he's won it once before, so who knows? Here's half-a-song parody for y'all, by way of introducing a video y'all should watch: When the goons usurp the People's House, and everything depends on oil Then peace becomes a faded memory And war will rage and blood will stain the soil This is the dawning of The End of Suburbia, End of Suburbiaaaa… Suburbia! Suburbia! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY May 16 HAPPY SPAM DAY, EVERYBODY! It was on this day in 1891 that Minnesota's George A Hormel & Company introduced everybody's favorite mystery meat in a can... SPAM! On this day in 1902, for the first time in Major League Baseball history, two deaf-mutes face each other when "Dummy" Hoy leads off for the Reds against "Dummy" Taylor of the Giants. The Reds win 5-3, in a victory largely seen as a vindication for "Dummy" Hoy. Meanwhile, Giants fans find an easy scapegoat in "Dummy" Taylor, who is unable to effectively respond to his detractors, because he can't fucking hear them. On this day in 1929, the first-ever Academy Awards are presented in Hollywood, with Wings winning the Oscar for Best Picture, Emil Jannings winning Best Actor, Janet Gaynor winning Best Actress, and D.W. Griffith winning for the year's best glorification of the Ku Klux Klan. On this day in 1965, Spaghetti-O's hit the nation's supermarket shelves. Tapeworms ensue. On this day in 1992, polls show Texas loony Ross Perot, incumbent New World Ogre George Bush, and sax-tooting philanderer Bill Clinton to be equally popular among likely voters. This, of course, means that they were also equally UN-popular with the electorate. It's one of those "the glass is half full of lukewarm piss" sort of deals.

THEY SAID IT! "We have to pray for your brother. He's in real trouble." - Supreme Court Token Clarence "Uncle" Thomas ominously drops a P-bomb on Preznit Dubya's gobsmacked sister during a high-falutin' pinko-lefty east coast "Establishment" book-launch party. *** **** *** "We aren't there for them. The Geneva Convention ain't nothing but crap. I thought we were going over the liberate the people. Operation Iraqi Freedom? It was more like Operation Iraqi Slaughter. ... By my hand alone almost 200 were taken out, that's just a rough estimate." - Yer old pal Jerky really hopes that Jessie Macbeth -- former Army Ranger and Iraq War veteran -- is lying, or that he really, REALLY sucks at math.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Dac! This country boy comes home from a date, depressed. "What is the problem son, Marylou not giving you any?" "No!", the son replies. Dad says, "Look boy, girls take time, you have to warm them up like a car before you drive." The boy looked puzzled. Dad says, "You know how you drive the car up to the garage, push the button, the door opens and you drive in?" "Yeh, but how does that help me with Marylou?" asks the boy. "Well", says dad, "play with her love button, and when her legs are open like a garage door and she is warmed up, line up your johnson and drive it in, just like the car." "Oh, ok I'll try it next week", says the boy. Next Saturday he comes home, mad as hell. "What happened son?" "I did like you said, I warmed her up, the legs opened, I lined it up and drove in... but I think I broke my transmission trying to get the wheels in, because some fluid ran out." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Towjam for sending in today's second joke. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir... When I was at the veterinarian's office, the other day, where I had taken my Siamese cat, I could not help over-hearing a man loudly sparring verbally with the receptionist. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. She sucessfully quieted the customer by jokingly threatening, "Sir... Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: SOMETHING STINKS AROUND HERE care of: D.D. I just had a real scary thought. With the news we've been seeing lately with Chavez talking to Iran, Cuba, China, Russia and who knows who else, and all these people talking together, trying to make deals on arms, military jets, changing their oil currency to the Euro to drive down the Dollar... what if they decided to try to take on the U.S.? What if they decided to come oust the Shrub out of power? What if this criminal regime has actually put us at a higher risk of terrorism because of their actions? These other countries wouldn't even have to organize a military attack to carry it out. All it would take is activation of some of the sects and cells already in this country. How would we, as Americans, react to this? Would we support another government waging a war on us to remove our leader from power, just like we did to Saddam? Would we fight against them? Would we just remain indifferent as long as it didn't affect us personally, such as no bombs blowing up in ]our city or state? What if this did happen, then our liberators decided to stay? What then? Do we roll over and accept it? Do we rebel? Would we split into factions, some wanting them to stay, others wanting them gone? Would we break down into a civil war? These thoughts just came to me as I sat here the last couple hours reading posts on a lot of these subjects. I read a LOT more than I post here, trying to educate myself on some of these subjects. I have relied on "street smarts" to get through life so far. Trust hunches, think from the gut as well as the brain. I know something went terribly wrong with our Great Nation in November 2000. TERRIBLY WRONG! With our Military already over-stretched, our National Guard's going to the border to help out Border Patrol since they are shorthanded because of funding cuts, a great American city still devastated, many cities I should say, all the scandal that this mis-administation is involved in, stock markets falling like bricks, economy going downhill, rights violations and the raping of our treasury and resources, all thanks to this criminal regime, we are in peril as a Nation! That being said, I think we need to take our Country back, right now, before someone else figures out that they can, and then actually try it. We need a strong Democratic leadership right now. A leadership that is unafraid of this cabal. A leadership that will stand up for the rights of we the people, as well as for themselves. I've seen posts asking "who will you vote for in '08"? ...we can't clearly answer that question, as we have no idea who is running yet. I feel we can take back at least one House, hopefully both, this November. That needs to be the main focus right now. Not impeachment, investigations, nothing else right now except reclaiming power in the Government realm. When this happens, we need to choose and start grooming our candidate for '08. The chosen candidate will then have 2 years to work on his or her campaign platform and their plan for reviving and moving this Nation forward. Once the campaign season starts, this chosen candidate can have the Democratic Plan laid out to announce to the world. Once we have the power, then and only then can we focus on impeachment and criminal prosecution of this regime. First though, we to unite in solidarity to our party and focus on the common men and women in this Country, as we are the backbone of this Great Nation. Yes, I'm just a poor ole hippie, worked in construction all my life with nothing to show for it but debts and a 9 inch scar on my neck, but I know when something just doesn't smell right, and right now, THINGS STINK AROUND HERE!! Keep up the good work and PEACE! D.D. [The time is short, and the options are dwindling. Somebody better do something, soon. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky, Please tell me what it is in that stop-action bullshit video release from the Pentagram that makes you believe that's a commercial airliner. Better yet, tell me you're joking! Why has it taken them five years to release footage? And why release this cheesy shit? Of all the video footage that they've captured from the 80-some-odd cameras in the vicinity the pentagon, this is the best they can come up with...especially if they're trying to convince the public that it was in fact a plane?! All you can see is a small white phallic shaped object entering the frame. But what happens during the impact should be the focus, there's absolutely no debris or chunks of wreckage or rubble flying from the building. Which speaks volumes about the size and velocity of the object in question. What struck the Pentagon was traveling at such a rate of speed that it penetrated the building without damaging too much of the outside structure from the wings and tail section, it just made a hole in the side of the building and penetrated as far as the B ring. Imagine firing a bullet into a tree. Clearly, that was no 757. But they would have us believe that the pentagon deep throated a commercial airliner, wings and all, just slurped it up like vermicelli... with absolutely no evidence that the plane was even there, just a hole in the wall. What next? Will someone at the pentagon pull out his willy and try to convince us it's a sperm whale?! I guess they're convinced that we don't know our own asses from that hole in the wall. Now granted, the buildings at the WTC did actually swallow those planes, but those buildings were covered in some-lattice-work-type-shit, not granite or concrete. For some strange reason, that tends to make a fucking difference. YOP Gessier [I take issue with many of the assertions in your e-mail, but yes... I was kidding. The video clears up nothing. - Jerky] *** **** *** J man, When going from "todays dirt" to "archives" the "uglitron" stays the same and does not change to the chosen archives date. Why? My Question is, how does one access the "uglitron" archives??? signed, YOP GW [Fortunately, there are no Uglitron archives. The Geneva Convention so commands. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Anyone who read the holy blood and holy grail and then read the da vinci code would like me be streets ahead of the plot of the story and for brown to say he didn't use the information in the holy grail is just bullshit but what l find more interesting is the churches frantic scramble to debunk the whole idea are all attacking the da vinci code which the author freely admits is a work of fiction but they are all strangely silent about 'the holy blood and holy grail' it seems to me it might be because they don't want to open that can of worms Buck [Maybe. Or maybe it's because The DaVinci Code sold like a BAZILLION copies. Or maybe it's because the Vatican is more worried about Hollywood movies than they are about semi-obscure and poorly-founded conspiracy theories. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I guess I dont have to tell you Mayor "racist" Nagin got reelected by the few people that were left alive in NO by hurricane Katrina thus handing him another four years in which to cheat and kill most of them. But, lets not judge the people of New Orleans. I am of the humble opinion that if it were possible for our illustrious Commander in Chief to run for reelection, the same idiots who voted for him in 2000 and 2004, would AGAIN PUT HIM IN OFFICE the sad state of affairs he has amassed notwithstanding!!! YOP MTR [What makes Nagin a racist? Because he promised to help New Orleans' black diaspora return to their homes? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, it's no doubt something of a stretch putting out the regular Dirt, but please always check what you're posting, or at least add a link to contradictory sources if such exist. Even tho you always say people shouldn't believe everything they're told, I wager a lot of folk are still gonna believe what YOU say without a second thought. - JH from Finland [In my own defense, that wasn't my writing. I posted it in the Soapbox section, which I consider a free-for-all repository of rants and forwards, sometimes stored there ONLY for their historical or curiosity value. Besides which, there was much truth in that post, even if it didn't hang together as perfectly as the author might have liked. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky! I thought this kind of thing only happened in the movies. Brummbaer [Fun with Dick and Jane, specifically. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, This is an article on the controvery of The Da Vinci Code movie release. It is hard to believe the Catholic Church, which was founded on lies for the express purpose of relieving ignorant people of their money and free will, would have the fucking gall to accuse someone of "peddling fiction as fact". Unless of course they already had a patent on that. If they do, they should have already sued FOX News. Have a good one Jerky. I love the dirt and I read it everyday. Kent [Thanks for the kind words, Kent. And you're right on the money about the Vatican's hypocrisy. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com